


Almost Enough

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew that he wouldn’t hold out much longer. His thoughts and memories and everything inside of his mind was screaming at him that he only had one option left, and recovery was not on the list. But each time Ray appeared in his thoughts, just for a split-second, the pain would stop. It just wasn’t enough to fix him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Enough

When the light next hits his eyes, it’s nothing like the comforting glow that morning used to be, dulled and gentle from behind a set of curtains. It doesn’t carefully usher him from the grasps of sleep, nor does it coax him from his bed and leave him waiting for the day ahead of him. When the light next hits his eyes, everything is blurred and painful.

One thing on his mind and one thing only, tugging him violently to consciousness and dreading as the clock ticked down to leaving the house. It jolts him awake with a single aspiration, one to finally feel happy even if the effort is wasted each day. Another pill, another contemplation - but nothing ever works.

He’s killing himself. With each day he goes without asking for help, with each day he lets himself rely on medication that just won't work, he's losing it. Gavin knows he is. The warm body next to him knows he is, even with this mask and façade he'd made for himself. But for some reason that idea doesn’t seem so bad any more. And what Ray didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Not yet.

He leaves the bed and everything seems slowed down, heavy and a burden. He can’t bear focusing on anything but the movement of his feet to the bathroom, and the cold seems to knock him dead in his tracks for a second. His mind tries to keep up with his body’s movements, trying its best to keep on going.

On and on, the same routine, the same blackened part of his mind seeping into the most basic of functions and leaving him standing still - just to collect his head together. Gavin barely washed, not even caring to take notice of the bags under his eyes and the knots in his hair. If he smiled enough, no one would notice anyway. They’d brush it off. In a shallow way, he was almost glad of that - if the surface didn’t cover up a cry for recognition. The thought ebbed away as he headed silently back into his shared bedroom and was replaced by another as he picked out some clothes.

Dressing himself was almost as bad. His mind reeled at spending any form of energy, and with each and every tug of clothing his arms seemed to grow heavy and tired. Gavin wondered if he was actually sick somewhere other than in his failing head, but at the same time knew that the mind was a powerful thing. It was all in his head. Every ache was just his head giving up.

As Ray woke up, a deep breath and a yawn prickling against Gavin’s numbed ears, that one thought was what kept his false hopes up. It was just in his head.

   “Morning.”

Gavin shifted on the edge of the bed, and turned to smile. The expression was bright, but those eyes told different. There was nothing enthusiastic or intense shining in those green orbs any more and Ray knew, but would never address it directly. He'd tried, countless times. And each one was brushed off.

   “Are you alright?”

Gavin’s heart and head screamed the truth, but his mouth told different. The lie was broken and hoarse, but it did the trick.

   “I’m fine.”

He wished he could say something true. Say what his whole body wanted to explode with. He wished he could say something human. Just admit there was something wrong…but the worry already running across Ray’s features was breaking his heart more than his mind was fracturing with each day he was forced to wake up and feel so lost.

His body kept on functioning to cover up his groggy brain, and he leaned over to press a gentle, cold kiss against Ray’s cheek. For then, it was enough for Ray to smile and get ready for work. But he wouldn’t last another day of keeping silent just from a fake smile that he felt wrong intruding on.

 

When Ray was ready to leave, standing at the door and waiting for Gavin to go to work with him, he got a smile and a shake of the head in return. Deep down, he wasn't surprised and that anxiety in the back of his head began to surface again.

   “What’s wrong?” Ray’s hand loosened on the handle of the door and he stepped back inside, watching as Gavin almost shuffled away. He looked as though his body was struggling to stand.

   “I feel a bit sick, to be honest.” Gavin’s eyes wouldn’t meet Ray’s, not even for a second before darting away.

   “Will you be okay, do you want me to ring up for us both?”

   “I’ll be fine after some sleep, it’s alright, Ray.”

Something told Ray to stay with him, even if he obviously didn't want him to, but a part of him reasoned to leave him alone for a while, to stop crowding him. Eventually, that thought won.

   “Alright…get some sleep and make sure you eat.”

A small, half-genuine smile crawled onto Gavin’s face then, and Ray returned it before his back was turned, heading out and leaving Gavin’s mask to shatter and fall with the click of the lock. Taking in a shuddering breath, he retreated to the bedroom to take his medicine.

The light hurt his eyes and Gavin and wished beyond anything that he could be in the comfort of night. Nothing to see and waste energy on, nothing to make the room seem real and tug him back into a spiral of thoughts and worries. He just wanted to sleep - and wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back up.

The small rattle of his medication bottle filled the room and he spent a good few minutes trying to wash them down with some water, gagging and retching every time - even after all these months. Crawling beneath the covers, he shut his eyes and wished everything would stop. He just wanted silence, just for a day, but the thoughts came thick and fast.

_I’m tired._

_I don’t want anyone to see me like this._

_I’m sick of being a burden._

_Ray would be better off, I know he would._

_I don’t even know what’s wrong._

_I’m fed up of lying._

_I don’t want these pills._

_I don’t want these aches._

_I want it to stop._

_I don’t want to wake up._

_Why can’t I just di-_

Gavin’s thoughts stopped and his body jolted for a second at the sound of the phone in his pocket. He was about to ignore it, but then Ray filled his head and pushed everything away for just a minute. Slowly, almost on a delay, Gavin fished his phone from his pocket and opened his inbox. One message from Ray.

_If you need me, I'm right here._

He knew that he wouldn’t hold out much longer. His thoughts and memories and everything inside of his mind was screaming at him that he only had one option left, and recovery was not on the list. But each time Ray appeared in his thoughts, just for a split-second, the pain would stop. It just wasn’t enough to fix him. No one could ever fix him.

But for then – it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to reblog or like this fic on tumblr:
> 
> http://teaandotherstuff.tumblr.com/post/49523913242/almost-enough


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